The funny thing about getting that 1st Tattoo is it almost immediately leaves you wanting more. I was sold on getting another, but just needed to come up with a great idea that was “so great” that I’d be willing to “permanently scar” myself again. This story is definitely a fool me twice sorta debacle.
As my memory has significantly deteriorated with age, of course I’m not going to exactly remember when I got my 2nd tattoo. It was amidst my own personal Dark Ages either on my 21st or 22nd birthday. This stretch of time was riddled with drug/alcohol abuse, violence, and a variety of other shady behaviors. I was hurting very badly leading up to getting my 2nd Tattoo.
I had just broken up a 3 year relationship that was a volatile love/hate dynamic with no in between whatsoever. I was unemployed with no desire to work. As a result, I accumulated credit card debt to a point where the accrued monthly interest was higher than the minimum payment. I had dropped out of school amidst a quarter where I was surely going to fail all of my classes. I reached an emotional breaking point. So, I did maybe the most responsible thing I’d ever done in my life and removed myself from all of it. I retreated back home, got myself a job, chipped away at my debt, and began to reevaluate my priorities. And for the first time in my life, I dug myself out of a hole.
I was starting to feel like I had some control over my life circumstances. I was actually being a productive working individual and clearing some problems off of my plate. Not only that, but I was doing it all on my own. Finally, I was understanding what life was all about and how I needed to live in order to get through it. I don’t know if there’s any greater accomplishment in my life than climbing up from the status of “bona-fide-trashy-low-life” person to “productive-holding-it-togetherish-person.” Unfortunately, I still had a lot of festering resentment toward the world for putting me through so much emotional strain. And this micro-sliver of progress I was making completely validated my whole “me-against-against-the-world” attitude, which ultimately was the inspiration for my second tattoo.
This time I wanted to make a statement and I just so happened to have a favorite song that was extraordinarily applicable. So on the inside of my left arm — from armpit to elbow — I “permanently scarred” myself with John Mayer’s song titled, “waiting on the world to change.”
While I, an aspiring writer, am poaching lines from other artists, I’ll follow up that lack of originality with this quote from Dumb & Dumber, “just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…”
Fool me twice. Shame on me. I thought it was so incredibly great though and I was stoked to have this new edge that portrayed my resentful me-against-the-world attitude. To add insult to injury, attention-driven me insisted it be a large font that covers a good chunk of my arm (extended eye roll).
Does it get any more self-righteous and contrived than, “waiting on the world to change?” It didn’t take too long for me to realize that this statement is not really what I stood for. I didn’t ever really know what I stood for until I wrote my first book, Go Follow Yourself.
I don’t think I’ve met a soul on this Earth who hasn’t regretted asking me what my tattoo says, because it immediately forces them to fake a polite reaction in order to spare my feelings. Seeing this tattoo garners a feeling that’s comparable to getting a gift you really don’t like.
Palpably awkward reaction says, “oh… okay… isn’t that a song?”
And then to theirself, “good lord, how can I change this subject ASAP?”
One permanent cross for a non-Christian man. And one permanent statement that condemns the ways of the world. Ladies, I realize I’ve now made myself irresistible, but please try to control yourselves around me.
So, how do I come to terms with my 2nd tattoo? Perhaps, I can rationalize it? Perhaps, I can take this phrase and redefine it in order to fit my beliefs and values more closely?
FALSE. The reality is that’s neither the truth nor the reasoning under which I did this to myself.
So in order to face my 2nd tattoo, I reflect on my mantras from the previous article on My 1st Tattoo…
- I release myself from my own judgement that seeks to further devalue that fragile and struggling version of me. I cannot make progress on building my own self-esteem if I continue to judge myself for my past actions and not truly understand who I was when I made that choice.
- I also release myself from self-consciously hypothesizing what others might think of me. This behavior is an act of self-devaluation in moments when I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Instead of accepting myself in that moment, I pretend my perceived shortcomings are the thoughts and opinions of those around me. This type of paranoia triggers a crippling social anxiety that I’ve been dealing with since my earliest memories of socialization.
- Last but not least, the thoughts and opinions of those around me might be quite negative and judgemental, but I have no control over these things. It’s important to recognize the difference between this and the paranoia. I think to face clear and obvious malicious judgement from another individual is a much rarer circumstance than what our own imaginations can put us through. When I face that bully (for lack of a better word), they are trying to trigger my self-consciousness and activate traits within me that I have not yet come to accept. It’s unconventional to look at our negative traits and say, “yeah, that’s me too and I’m totally okay with it because I’m human. The fact that I am stubborn, naive, depressed, and make stupid decisions is all part of who I am and will likely be again at some point. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to be these things. They just happen as I continue to experience life.”
At a time when I was putting some pieces of my own life together, I cast judgement onto the world and made a proclamation that everyone has it wrong except me. This is a tough lesson to have permanently scarred on my body and be reminded of everyday.
But what I have learned and how I see my second tattoo now is the following,
My second tattoo shows me that I have the strength to dig myself out of the pits. It also reminds me that I need to keep my haste in check and refrain from passing judgement. It’s okay for me to share my stories in hopes of supporting and encouraging others, who might also find themselves in the pits. But we all must find our own way in life and when we actually succeed, we must have the self-awareness to not pontificate our way as the best/only way. In my 31 years, I’ve learned no more valuable lesson in my life than to be mindful of my self-righteousness.
Do I all of a sudden love my second tattoo, not at all. I do accept it though and understand who I was when I made the choice to get it. I don’t have the inclination to use this “permanent scar” in order to self-devalue anymore, which was the goal of writing these articles in the first place. It’s just piece of my appearance now that is reflective of very meaningful lesson learned in life. I feel confident that if I wanted to get it removed or covered up, I wouldn’t be doing so to hide from the mistakes of my past.
Stay tuned for my next article, The Permanent Scar. It’s finally about to get dark.
