Ahhh to be 18 again. That was my age when I got my first tattoo. Or maybe it was 19. Who can remember really? I know I got this tattoo the exact day I turned either 18 or 19 years old. I can’t think of any other ages in my 31 years where I’ve been better equipped to make an important decision that carried such permanence (I hope you’ve picked up on my sarcasm).
At 18 (or 19), I was the fierce and admirable combination of stubborn and naive. If that’s not enough, then possibly moreso than either of those characteristics, I was depressed. I was depressed for many different reasons including low self-esteem and unrelenting social anxiety. I also happened to be going through my very first devastating heartbreak. If you read my book, Go Follow Yourself then you’ll clearly understand that I was not equipped to face these challenges at that time. I was hardly ever of sound mind in my decision making. Perhaps, I even had the propensity to behave in volatile ways as a means to attract attention.
I think it’s pretty common to get a tattoo, especially the first one, as an expression of independence and individuality. I think that’s probably a part of what inspired me to want one in the first place. Sorry mom and dad but your staunch opposition to tattoos paired with my “contrarian-rebel-without-a-cause” personality definitely piqued my interest initially.
So, is an expression of independence the only reason I have a tattoo of a large cross on my left deltoid? No, it’s not.
The vast majority of my reasoning was attention-driven. As a boy who had a lot of trouble communicating and often felt quite invisible to the world, this tattoo was gonna get me noticed. It was gonna show people that I am different and therefore, should all of a sudden be attractive enough to engage with…
“Foolproof logic,” says 18/19 year old me.
Oh, why a large cross you ask?
“Well, I was raised Catholic for the first 7 years of my life but I’m not religious. I think I believe in Jesus, what he stood for, and what he died for… But really, I’ve kinda just always liked the way cross tattoos look.”
That’s been my default response to people when they ask. Because I couldn’t have possibly “permanently scarred” myself with a cross tattoo if it was not backed by a deep and meaningful reason, right?
Clearly, you’re not in touch with the mind of 18/19 year old me if you think I wasn’t stubborn, naive, and desperate enough for attention to do it on the shallow grounds of… trying to look cooler.
So, the truth is I am not Christian and my reasoning was I thought it would look cool and therefore, attract attention.
It’s a difficult thing to admit as an individual when the I-told-you-so people happen to be “right.” I’ve often considered my first tattoo to be one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life. It can be a bitch to cope with this constant reminder. I see my tattoos every single day. Depending on my mood, I sometimes say “I still like the way this looks” or more usually, I say, “man, you stupid idiot. How could you be so stupid? And by the way, that’s what everyone else thinks when they see it too.”
So, not only am I pedestrian at insulting myself, I also dwell on my mistake, become self-conscious as to how others see me, and then allow myself to slip into regret. I’ve really used it as ammunition to beat myself down in moments when I’m feeling particularly self-loathing. But in an effort to climb out of my life of perpetual self-devaluation, I have forced myself to figure out how to come to terms of acceptance for this regrettable choice.
It’s fine to explore alternative options like a removal or coverup but before any of that, I wholeheartedly recommend exercising some self-compassion. If hiding from your errors in life is your go-to problem solving methodology, then you’re never going to arrive at terms of self-acceptance. I insist that you dig deep and search for reasoning that allows you to look at yourself in the mirror and sincerely express, “I understand how I got here and I don’t need to hide from it.”
I’ve had to approach my appearance with complete transparency and understanding in order to figure out how to own the F#$% out of this “permanent scar.”
The following are 3 mantras I have established that guide me to self-acceptance…
- I release myself from my own judgement that seeks to further devalue that fragile and struggling version of me. I cannot make progress on building my own self-esteem if I continue to judge myself for my past actions and not truly understand who I was when I made that choice.
- I also release myself from self-consciously hypothesizing what others might think of me. This behavior is an act of self-devaluation in moments when I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Instead of accepting myself in that moment, I pretend my perceived shortcomings are the thoughts and opinions of those around me. This paranoia triggers a crippling social anxiety that I’ve been dealing with since my earliest memories of socialization. (Aside: this is not an easy feat to overcome for me, but it’s currently my number 1 life priority to make progress on and I will likely dive into this topic more comprehensively at some point.)
- And last but not least, the thoughts and opinions of those around me might be quite negative and judgemental, but I have no control over these things. It’s important to recognize the difference between this and the paranoia. I think to face clear and obvious malicious judgement from another individual is a much rarer circumstance than what our own imaginations can put us through. When I face that bully (for lack of a better word), they are trying to trigger my self-consciousness and activate traits within me that I have not yet come to accept. It’s unconventional to look at our negative traits and say, “yeah, that’s me too and I’m totally okay with it because I’m human. The fact that I am stubborn, naive, depressed, and make stupid decisions is all part of who I am and will likely be again at some point. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to be these things. They just happen as I continue to experience life.”
And that’s just what life is all about. Congratulations, I got my 1st Tattoo and consequently, I kinda feel like an idiot when I look at it. The difference now is that I confidently admit it because I can 100% accept my stupidity. There’s not one thing wrong with making a mistake nor should I feel like I need to hide from it in order to avoid embarrassment.
Errors in life are no more than our sink or swim moments. When I see the reflection of my first tattoo, it reminds me that I need to be vigilant in my pursuit of self-acceptance, especially when I make mistakes.
Stay tuned for the article on My 2nd Tattoo. The next story gets pretty uncomfortable…
