by: Retsim Laudividni
It’s 2022. Happy New Year is the typical salutation. I never know when to stop using it. This year I gave it a week. As 2021 came to a close, there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel of this pandemic. Alas, here we are in the thick of an unfoldment of attrition that has touched every last person’s life on this planet. We all just want to know, when will things get back to normal? When can we go back to living our lives the way we used to?
I feel grateful that I have personally fared well to quite well over the course of the pandemic. For whatever reason, I have not experienced anything close to the level of tragedy that others have and for that I have been privileged. Of course something could change for the worse at any point because that’s how fluid this experience seems to be. Interestingly enough though, I’ve found myself not particularly concerned about what might happen in future anymore. You might say that I’ve come to terms with the world as it is flowing nowadays. When people ask how I’m doing with “all of this” my response has evolved into the following,
“I am no longer worried about covid19. I feel like I have enough information to understand the risk I’m taking by going out and living my life the way I want. Only when I feel symptomatic, will I stay home and away from others. When I don’t, I’ll be out and about as I usually am. I will no longer be considerate of asymptomatic transmission. It is more detrimental to my well being to be constantly worried about if I’m infectious, contagious and unknowingly spreading this virus. The world has had ample opportunity to inform themselves of the risks at this point. So anyone who is out and about has made a choice and is accountable for what happens to them.”
To be clear, the risk being taken by all of us as we step out into the world is that we can become sick and die. We can also spread the virus, causing others to get sick and die. There was a time earlier in this pandemic when we knew less about the virus so taking those risks was more reckless and irresponsible. Flash forward to now and the reality that we seem to be facing is that this virus will not be eradicated. It is a virus that we have to learn to coexist with and continue to develop an understanding of. It’s not far-fetched to say that we might just be living in a world with another disease that can lead to our death.
We are not strangers to the many different ways humans can get sick and die. Everyone knows of someone who has fallen ill and died. covid19 just so happened to catch us off-guard and cause a lot of death in a short period of time — deaths that were being meticulously counted and publicized — deaths that were in the spotlight. It was like a bomb went off and we were all disoriented in a cloud of dust, trying to understand what was happening. But we were in limbo being force fed a diet of unrelenting convoluted information.
This pandemic sent us swirling into a panicked crisis mode. It has been a traumatic experience. Even for those whose inner circles were not seriously impacted by illness and death, this event has altered everyday life as we used to know it. The world seems different now, which is perhaps good for some and maybe difficult for others. I have reached a juncture where I want to accept this paradigm shift and move on with life. I don’t want to live a life dictated by the threat posed by some virus any longer. In the words of Alan Watts, “it is better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.”
Below, I’ve listed a handful of brief takes on key areas of this pandemic where I have made my peace. To hold onto any contempt as it relates to these subjects at this point would only hold me back from moving on and making the most out of however much time I have left in this world.
On Government: It is mighty challenging to not use a bunch of hindsight to blame the leaders of government for all of the calamity, pain, suffering and death. It would be easy to look back and criticize the gov’t for not being better prepared to handle this pandemic. In times like this, there’s nothing like a good scapegoat to unload all of the responsibility for each and every negative outcome.
What I came to realize is that blaming the gov’t for how everything has unfolded is comparable to how I used to blame my parents for the transpirations in my life. When everything goes well, it is because I made it happen. When I’m trapped in a shitshow, it was my folks who failed to set me up for success, yada yada. It is a mistake to condemn the government for not handling this pandemic to my own expected satisfaction. If the government failed to meet my standards then all that should do is reset my expectations of the government’s capabilities in an emergency situation. So just like my folks (in raising me), you weren’t perfect during this pandemic but I acknowledge that you were also dealing with a lot of things all at once. You got overwhelmed by the moment and performed suboptimally. I can understand that. I can move forward believing in the midst of a challenge of a lifetime, you stood toe to toe with adversity and despite taking a beating, we all continue to make strides and forge through it.
On Media: The mind is a restless thing. We treat this restlessness by consuming content. We have an excess of information available to us these days. The media is a powerful and well-established means by which we receive information. The media also has a stigma of being very negative. In general, I don’t care to follow the media or be updated on current events. When I tune in and listen, I almost always feel bothered afterwards. It’s not an enjoyable experience nor do I find it to be relevant to my day-to-day so I refrain from it in most cases.
When we were all locked away in our homes, trying to grasp the gravity of this pandemic, I apprehensively plugged into what the media had to say. Of course, I found their means of delivering sensitive information to the public to be provocative and inflammatory. Yet, I continued to go back for more, like an addict. I craved the gratification I got from staying up to date with the latest information then I felt like crap afterwards. I’d shake the resultant bad mood after some time, calm down for a bit and then start to feel that restlessness creeping in again. It was a vicious cycle and I realized that consuming that type of information was doing nothing for me but adding undue stress to an already overwhelming situation.
It’s easy to point the finger at the media and accuse them of propelling a lot of the panic and calamity that we experienced throughout the pandemic. The reality is they are reporting information that they decide people need to hear in a way that intends to provoke some sort of reaction or opinion. So if you are going to expose yourself to media content, expect to be moved in some way. And remember, it was your decision to engage in the first place, so for whatever reason (conscious or not), you were looking for whatever reaction ends up being triggered too.
For me, I treat the news like fast food. It’s manufactured to appear tantalizing and taste scrumptious. Occasionally, it really hits the spot. But when I overindulge or consume too often, it’s not good for me.
On Science: We’ve really had to lean on the science community over the course of the pandemic. Their ability to band together to develop and mass-produce several vaccines as speedily as they did is truly a testament to our growth and progress as a species over time.
It certainly seems like in the natural state of this world, we will periodically face catastrophic events. It does not seem like we can control these occurrences. We tried to control the outbreak of this virus via a quarantine strategy and it plainly and simply failed. The strain that quarantine put on the population was ultimately too substantial for us. We could no longer prioritize risk mitigation over living our lives the way we want. Now it seems like covid19 is a virus that we will have to co-exist with and science will have to keep up with. Perhaps newer generations will adapt more copacetically and it won’t really be a risk worth considering. I suppose all we can do is wait and see.
Waiting to see… I suppose that is the ultimate limitation of science in a pandemic situation. When dealing with a novel virus, it will always take some time to gather information, develop understanding and respond effectively. In the meantime, the world that’s dependent on scientific solutions will have to isolate themselves and hope for the best with what we have available while the science plays catch up.
The questions on my mind are when will the leaders of the world let their populations (for lack of better phrasing) swim at their own risk again ? Also, when will the incessant reporting of scientific investigation and data collection of covid19 finally fall out of the public spotlight?
The illusion that was forged at the beginning of this pandemic was that this was somehow a controllable situation. But we’ve been playing catch up from the start and we’re still playing it today. Micromanaging the behaviors and activities of the population was not sustainable. Continuing to heavily publicize the science and data around it only adds fuel to the pandemic fire and all of the stressors that accompany it. There will always be another mutated variant. By all means, let the experts do what they do to keep up with the evolution of this virus but keep it in the science journals and make it an occasional back page story. Give the people something new to focus on so we can start moving past this pandemic.
On People: I’ve been saying since very early on in this pandemic that we all entered into this experience with certain expectations for how we should respond and how others should too. We very often found ourselves surprised, disappointed and frustrated when these expectations were not met. In all reality, when have we ever been able to demonstrate that we can consistently act in accordance with the standards, expectations or ideals set by ourselves or others?
Every circumstance we face is a new hand dealt. Although sometimes situations appear to be similar they are not the same because we live in a world where life is a progression/unfoldment. Each moment is subsequently compounded upon by the following one. The reality is we are all just doing what we can with the set of cards we’ve been given. It’s such a mistake to think that we’re not doing our best every step of the way.
We mustn’t confuse the reality that we’re doing our best with this concept that we woulda/coulda/shoulda behaved in some sort of “ideal” manner. Comparing ourselves to similar experiences or others or some sort of grandiose ideal is an exercise that fuels judgment and condemnation of ourselves and others.
So what’s so wrong with being judgmental and condemning when people act a fool?
EVERYTHING.
There is nothing wrong with determining that others are responsible for their actions but to judge and condemn them for it as if we all aren’t capable of fucking up is ludicrous. That’s the point really because one cannot impart judgement or condemnation upon another without doing it from their high horse. Most of the time, we have no clue what sorts of circumstances and pressure have influenced people into doing the things that they do. Then as outsiders looking in, we make all kinds of claims about how we would have acted better if we were faced with that particular situation. Taking this sort of superiority stance only serves to prop ourselves up and kick others while they’re down.
People get stuck in rough patches, surprise, surprise. Sometimes it’s an unsavory stint or it can also seem to last a lifetime. I make a concerted effort to give people the benefit of the doubt on the grounds that I believe that even at our worst, we’re all doing our best. When I face unsavory characters, I do my best to try to understand them. If they ask for help, I do my best to assist. If they want to be left alone, I oblige. If they are on a rampage, I stay out of their way and advise others to do the same. And when people actually get themselves unstuck, you see that they were just going through some shit and the unsavory character they appeared to be was nothing more than a phase.
Approaching situations with empathy and compassion can be difficult, exhausting and thankless at times. It’s perfectly okay to feel drained or burnt out. We all need to take a break, rest and recharge every once in a while. It’s only important to catch ourselves when we start to feel this way because when we don’t, we can very easily get sucked into the vortex of negativity. Then we become the ones stuck in the unsavory ways of condemnation and judgement of others.
People aren’t intrinsically unsavory. They are just stuck in a pit because circumstances knocked them down and they haven’t been able to find their way out. It happens. None of us are impervious to it so why make it harder on each other by continuing to push people down with judgemental and condemning acts?
Finally, it also doesn’t make us “bad” people if we’re unwilling to help others. We all have our reasons for not being as supportive as we could be to others who are stuck and there’s no shame in feeling this way. I believe strongly in being as neutral as possible in every circumstance I face. Not because I’m afraid to take a stand but rather because taking sides usually involves a whole mess of people who have conflicting opinions that they insist are more “right” than the stances of their opposition. Communication breaks down very easily when people start to make insistences about what’s right versus wrong. So I remain neutral because it’s the best chance to have productive discourse and also not make people feel superior or inferior based on their thoughts and opinions.
Can’t we all just make an effort to not kick others while they’re down — unless you’re some sort of a comedian and understand the nuances of lifting people up by poking fun at their tragedies…
On Friends/Family: Consider yourself utterly privileged if you have people in your life who are willing to listen to your complaints. Any time you burden another with your bad day you should express enormous gratitude for the sacrifice they made on your behalf.
There’s a reason therapists can charge their patients an arm and a leg for their counseling services. Pardon the cliché but as they say, misery loves company. Bad moods are so uncomfortable that we just can’t help but share them with others, especially our friends and family. But every time we unsolicitedly share our negativity with others we are taking advantage of them and putting them at risk for developing a bad mood.
There has been so much strain put on relationships over the course of this pandemic not only because we’re passing each other a virus but probably even more so because we’re infecting each other with extremely negative feelings. It’s highly contagious and its effects can last an indefinite amount of time. I’ve lost some friends. I have close friends who no longer speak to each other and family members who are repeatedly at each other’s throats. I firmly believe the reason is many of us are quite burnt out and just don’t have much capacity to shoulder our own burden let alone anyone else’s right now.
Who knows how many more straws before this camel’s back breaks? More often than not lately, it feels much closer than I’d like it to. So if I may make a suggestion. Reach out to whoever you’re still on speaking terms with and thank them for all of their support over this tumultuous time. Maybe even try to mend a broken relationship with someone who you may have taken advantage of and used as an outlet for your wraths of negativity. And please, please, please don’t make assumptions, just ask someone for their permission before you go dumping your baggage on their plate.
On Social Distancing: I beg your pardon as I go off the cuff here… Fuck the phrase “Social Distancing” and all of the propaganda posters and memes that followed it. I cannot believe that it’s still being promoted. The Social Distancing campaign is the biggest fumble of the pandemic. It has led to people developing a fear of leaving their homes and on the flip side it has deprived social beings from human contact. I understand the logic of quarantining in order to prevent the healthcare system from becoming overwhelmed and possibly collapsing. I don’t refute that strategy whatsoever. I only think that there has been a lack of consideration of the long-term damage of Social Distancing on the mental well-being of the population.
At some point, which has long since passed in my opinion, Social Distancing started to be more harmful to the world than covid19. Perhaps this is a controversial take, but a population of living people, suppressed and struggling with their mental health is a serious problem — maybe even a problem that needs to be prioritized over a population of unvaccinated people who are falling ill and dying. Not that we shouldn’t try to protect and care for people who become sick but getting sick and dying is pretty much how most of us are going to go. It’s one of the most fundamentally natural parts of life for which we have very little control.
Admittedly, I am impassioned on this topic, so much so that I’m sure it can be misconstrued that I’m advocating against risk mitigation for spreading covid19. That is simply not the case. All I’m saying is that mental unwellness has plagued this world for a very long time and at best has been an underpriortized problem. This pandemic has added fuel to that fire and perhaps there is a substantial portion of the population where the threat of covid19 is minimal in comparison to their mental wellness.
Risk mitigation is practical and agreeable but the phrase “social distancing” is divisive, misleading and weakening. This is a sign all over the NYC subway system…
I don’t challenge the propagandizing of the recommended way to wear a mask. I have an enormously big problem with the suggestion that people should read a book or be on their phone instead of interacting with one another. This sign makes my blood boil every time I see it. It is a sign that does far more harm than help. It is the perfect illustration of the incredible oversight of the damage that the phrase Social Distancing promotes.
Call me old fashioned but human to human connection is paramount in overcoming challenges, especially when it comes to mental unwellness. It’s just not the same when we’re separated by a layer of technology. People have been resisting the Social Distancing campaign since the beginning of the pandemic for a very clear reason. They’ve concluded that the risks of Social Distancing outweigh the benefits… Maybe that makes them selfish. Maybe that makes them unruly. But also, maybe we all don’t have the same priorities and values. And maybe that’s okay. I have dedicated the past six years of my life to healing myself mentally. There is no higher priority for me than learning how to navigate this world so that I can live strong and well and it all starts with mental health.
On Death: How could I not touch on this subject? It’s almost as if I can’t write anything without mentioning death. My contemplations on this topic have persisted for years and they will never be anything more than wonderings. There is no substantiating evidence to discover as far as the afterlife is concerned. Only in death will we truly know it. Thus, it’s a… dead end to speculate on the after life experience but I digress.
As I always say though, it is critically important for each and everyone one of us to come to terms with our mortality. Many people have a very powerful fear of their ultimate demise and are dismissive of it. They repress it and from the depths of their unconscious, this fear influences them to live their lives in such a precautionary way that they hardly ever end up pursuing their most meaningful passions and dreams.
We put off our aspirations because we don’t anticipate that we will die any time soon. We hear about the average life expectancy of humans and we associate ourselves closely to that average. It is a mistake to expect that we have more time though. If the pandemic has shown us anything it’s that the time we spend alive is extraordinarily valuable and our expiration date is unknowable. It’s very typical to feel inspired to make changes after an experience like this. Trauma forces us to reevaluate our priorities. But change can be hard and as we seem to be edging closer to the acceptance of the reality that covid19 is something we’ll just have to live with, our inspiration to make some real changes will dissipate. We’ll begin to take our valuable time for granted again until we face the next circumstance that ends up rattling our constitution. It is the vicious cycle of procrastination of authentic living.
The way I see it, this pandemic is just another opportunity for us to make the changes that we hold in our core. The changes that reflect who we truly are but remain apprehensive to unveil. You can do it.
At the very least, I speak for myself in saying I am not exactly living the life I want to be living. I think this is probably the case for many others too. I ask myself, why not? What fears are holding me back? Because that’s what it is. There are subtle little fears that are just strong enough to convince us that it’s “better” to maintain the status quo than do the things that we really want to be doing. We are slightly dissatisfied yet also comfortable so why put ourselves through the hassle of some discomfort in order to pursue the experiences we desire. It’s always easier to do nothing at all, which is perfectly fine if that’s just how we want to exist. However, if we just can’t seem to get in gear and have an endless list of excuses for why we can’t do the things on our bucket list, then we’re going to die in a state of regret, wishing we had more time and feeling like we squandered this gift of life.
Life doesn’t have to be one ideal pursuit after another OR ELSE. I don’t really know what it’s about. I don’t think it’s supposed to be anything in particular. I personally like to work at identifying opportunities that seem meaningful to me and overcoming any of the fears or excuses that are keeping me from pursuing them. Then maybe what seemed to be a meaningful intrigue either was just that and I’m happier for it or it wasn’t what I thought and I move on, keeping an eye out for the next idea. Maybe you like to do absolutely nothing or like to be busy all the time. Whatever works for you. Just be conscious of the excuses you make for yourself that keep you from doing something that seems intriguing. Who knows, maybe when that unknowable expiration date is imminent we’ll find ourselves at peace with this fate, confident that we had a good run.
On Blame: Of course, nothing goes without saying these days, so if your intrigues include taking advantage of others or bringing unbeknownst harm to others, then it’s important to reflect on these feelings and try to understand their origin. From my own personal experience, following those paths only ever brought me a substantial recoil of pain and suffering. It was a vicious cycle of taking my problems out on the world. It has taken me the better majority of my life to simply realize that blaming others for pretty much anything is an exercise in ultimate futility. It has taken me the past 5 years or so to completely break free of blaming others for anything that happens in my life.
If I find myself in an unfortunate situation, it’s because the choices I made put me there. If I’m struggling with the suppression that the pandemic has imposed on my life, it’s not because some bureaucrat failed to protect and support me from the start. It’s not because a whole host of anti-vaxxers are prolonging the impact of covid19 on the world. It’s not because the government has imposed a bunch of restrictions. Whatever struggle I am feeling is a result of my decision to not make the most out of a tough situation. It’s not like I absolve all others of responsibility for the role they have played but the reality is I can’t control the actions of others and I don’t want to either. I can control my decisions.
The pandemic has forced us all into a new world that is different from our coveted past. We can sulk over what we’ve lost and continue to wish the world “back to normal.” We can point our fingers at who’s to blame for all of the shit we’ve gone through. We can bicker back and forth ad nauseum. Or we can move forward into this different world and create a new life to treasure.
Every moment we spend yammering over who was right and wrong or what was fair or unfair, we further fortify our imprisonment in the past. The past is the past. What’s done is done. It cannot be changed but we can learn and grow from these experiences. We can keep them in our minds for reference but to hold onto any ill will toward yourself or others over how things have unfolded is a complete waste of energy. This baggage full of blame that we all carry around with us is doing nothing but slowing us down from maximizing however much time we have left in this world.
On You: Throughout this pandemic, a lot of guilt and shame has been put on people for behaving selfishly and not caring enough about the “greater good.” You were expected to collectively align your life according to the insistence of the government. I don’t refute any leaders who have asked their people to band together to minimize the impact of covid19. It was a reasonable and sensible course of action. I have a bone to pick with making demands on the grounds of the “greater good” though and any use of fear, guilt and shame as a means for achieving this “greater good.” The ends do not justify the means. Sorry Machiavelli. All we do when we excuse the means is reinforce the cycle of being nasty to each other to younger generations. We will never come close to breaking free from being cruel to each other if we continue to follow this archaic sentiment that the ends justify the means. All we will do is spin our wheels into extinction.
So if you determined at some point during this pandemic that it served your best interest to go your own way — despite what others were asking of you — maybe that makes you selfish but there is no guilt or shame in doing what you have to do.
There is immense value in being your most selfish self if it means getting your mind right and your attitude adjusted. You are not serving the greater good when you’re a burnt out sassy grump. At some point or another, this pandemic has had all of us seeing the world through a cold, bitter and cruel lens. This type of lens often influences us to discourage and disempower each other for no other reason than to sink people to our level.
You need to do what you have to do for yourself to find hope and faith in this world again. Then you probably need to be even more selfish and cling to that hope until you start to see the bright side again. Life is an ebb and flow from the bleak side to the bright side. Guilt and shame only ever come from people who are dwelling on the bleak side and neither will ever get us any closer to the “greater good.” All it does is keep us trapped in the same vicious cycle being horrible to each other.
History only repeats itself when you don’t learn lessons and apply them to subsequent circumstances. The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that there is no getting “back to normal.”. There is only moving forward through this wild and crazy ride. I think the world needs to stop trying to “get back to normal” because ironically our old habits and ways collectively got us here in the first place… why would you want to go back only to end up here again? But that’s exactly what will happen if you decide to recreate your old life from the past.
I think you need to let yourself grieve if this pandemic has beaten you down and your old life is a shell of its former self. Take the time. Feel it through. Be on the bleak side for a while instead of trying to distract yourself with typical bright side activities. Non-resistance is the trick to the bleak side. Don’t act like you’re not supposed to be there. Welcome it. Recognize when negative feelings begin to consume you and influence your behavior. Be mindful and try not to make it harder on yourself or drag others down to your level. It will pass if you let it and you will see light at the end of the tunnel.
That is hope.
Cling to it and you’ll find your way to the bright side again— where the lens you’re looking through reveals a world that is in fact warm, sweet and kind. Revel in that world. Soak up as much of it as you possibly can until it’s embedded in your core. Don’t get too attached though because remember, it’s an ebb and flow.
As life unfolds, let yourself bounce back and forth and through and up and down and all around. When you can navigate life this openly and freely irrespective of the circumstances that arise, you will truly understand what is meant by unconditional-universal love, peace, compassion, joy and grace.
Then if you choose, you can blossom into the epitome of the greater good.
