I’ve referred to and specifically quoted “permanent scar” in my previous articles in order to setup this story. This is going to be kinda dark to some but it’s unfortunately very real. I’ve been asked on many occasions why I choose to permanently scar myself and I don’t really think most people want to hear the honest answers.
I won’t dwell on the fact that I’ve experienced a significant amount of emotional pain in my life that is rooted in a generally unwavering self-hatred. That’s all I need to say because the reality is emotional pain is a concept that is highly personal and unique to each one of us. Therefore, it can be challenging to buy into the idea that others can truly know exactly how you feel in any given moment.
A much more relatable plain to meet on for mutual understanding is what our emotional pain causes us to do. An action is tangible evidence that has no subjectivity or comparison of feelings. My emotional pain led me to permanently scar myself. It’s not relevant how much pain I was in. The reality is it was enough to do what I did.
This outline below is a practical methodology I’ve been working on in order to arrive at an understanding of my fellow individuals’ feelings and actions.
My emotional duress led me to _____. Have you also done _____?
- If Yes… I genuinely understand what you’re going through because we’ve arrived at similar endpoints.
- If No… What type of circumstance could you possibly imagine that could bring you to _____ endpoint?
- If you can answer this question, then you are at least trying to understand. e.g. My emotions have never led me to commit a murder but I can think of several circumstances that could possibly drive me to that endpoint.
‘Understanding’ is one of my core values and this methodology may seem oversimplified. But these steps have proven to be effective when I am genuinely working to connect to another individual and comprehend their situation.
So, here are a few of my responses to the question, “why would you ever want to permanently scar yourself?”
Not because I am a stubborn and naive idiot but because
- these “scars” are a blatant expression of my emotions leading me to action.
- I felt so attention deprived ➡ I got my first tattoo.
- I felt so self-righteous ➡ I got my second tattoo.
- a physically painful experience is also a satisfying emotional release.
- sometimes pain is a means by which I further punish myself in low times.
- sometimes pain helps to extract emotional duress and provide relief.
- …to be disclosed in the next article.
So, I have my two permanent “ink” scars for those reasons. I don’t need to dig any deeper. Tattoos are how I like to express myself and I kinda enjoy the pain.
I specified permanent “ink” scar just above because I also wanted to address another permanent scar. This is probably the most profoundly blatant example of what my emotions have led me to do.
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DISCLAIMER: The following poem is Not for the faint of heart.
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RELIEF
by: Retsim Laudividni
I was swirling around the bottom of the barrel.
I didn’t have a positive thought left in my mind.
My heart ached.
I was exhausted.
And of course, I was quite drunk.
I went to the bathroom just to pee.
Then I went ahead and caught a glimpse of my reflection.
They say it’s rude to stare but I couldn’t help myself.
I hated that guy.
That weak and worthless waste of space.
Who even cares what happens to him.
I certainly don’t.
Man, I hate him.
What can I do to him.
How can I hurt him even more.
He deserves it.
I deserve it.
Oh look, a lighter.
Remember Lethal Weapon?
Kinda like that.
Let’s go ahead and get the metal nice and hot.
Hot enough?
No, hotter.
Tears? Really? Stop that.
Okay, I think it’s hot enough.
Now, do it.
Right there, where everybody will see it.
That’s it.
Yeah, that really hurts.
Press harder.
More tears? Press harder.
Had enough?
Keep going. Hold it.
Longer…
Okay, that’s enough.
Mission accomplished.
Now go to bed.
I hate to acknowledge it but pain is a genuinely satisfying emotional release for me at times. That is in no way an avenue I recommend to anyone ever, but it is one I’ve found myself on in my life. I have to maintain great discipline to keep myself from backsliding. It’s why I must always approach myself with transparency and understanding. Maybe you’ve heard of my book, Go Follow Yourself that dives into this in much greater detail.
I wish I had a magical phrase that could prevent individuals from getting to where I got and doing what I did or worse. All I can do though is openly share my story and hope for the best because when I was down that low, my options felt scarce and solutions unsavory.
And that’s my “other” permanent scar.
Stay tuned for the article that will dive into the decision to get my third tattoo after knowing full well that my others were mistakes.
