Halfway through this 30-day Challenge, I can honestly say it’s getting more difficult each and every day. This past week has gotten progressively smellier for both of us.
Monday, May 15 was undoubtedly my worst day. Thank goodness that I was so under the weather that I didn’t have to go to work. Tuesday, I smelled pretty rough too. I don’t think the raw apple cider vinegar has been consistently effective — my BO is the Achilles heel for this highly praised home remedy. Nevertheless, I’m going to continue applying it for the second half of the challenge for good measure.
My girlfriend persevered valiantly, but she ultimately could not bear the burden of smelling badly. She was a good sport about entertaining and supporting my weird little venture here, but she works in close proximity to other people every day. She had a friend at the office on alert to notify her if she smelled from a distance and there were multiple days when she did. At the very least, she also sees that antiperspirant is doing damage to her clothes and would prefer to not have to use it at all. So, she’s planning to use a natural-based deodorant and is currently shopping around for the right one.
I’m continuing for two reasons. Firstly, I didn’t really believe antiperspirant actually worked for me. Also, it was possibly causing me to sweat more than I would if I wore nothing at all. So I wanted to see how I’d respond physically/mentally if I wasn’t wearing any deodorant/antiperspirant.
So far, my answer is, it’s fine without the antiperspirant because I’m sweating the same amount. At the moment, I don’t anticipate needing to wear antiperspirant anymore. I’m also ecstatic that I have had zero issues with staining and discoloration on my shirts. Having to replace dress shirts for work every several months gets expensive and the non-antiperspirant pitstains are washing out beautifully. This is a big win and viable reasoning to forge ahead with the challenge despite smelling unpleasantly at times.
Secondly, there is a new theme emerging, centered around the shame that we tend to feel if we find ourselves sweating/smelling unpleasantly. I would like to dive further into this feeling as I suspect that it’s the true underlying reason that I wanted to do this challenge in the first place.
The BO I have had has been a difficult mental burden to bear. I can’t tell if I’m feeling embarrassment because I care about smelling good OR if I’m worried about being judged by others. It’s probably a little of both, but I’d really like to minimize the latter because it seems irrational to have feelings of embarrassment/shame as a result of naturally occurring bodily functions.
I think there’s a place for shame in our world. I think we wouldn’t have the ability to feel it if we weren’t meant to for some reason. Do I think we should ever impart shame onto one another, no. I cannot fathom a circumstance where it’s anyone’s right to trigger that feeling in someone else. For another person to impart shame onto us is their failure to be compassionate or they are trying to control how we oughta be living our lives. We must work tirelessly to dismantle the societal culture of imparting shame onto one another. It’s an exclusively personal experience that should not involve external influence.
Shame is a feeling that should only ever be triggered at those times in life when we contradict our own individual values. It is an emotional consequence for behaving in ways that don’t align with our Individual identity. If I cheated on on my girlfriend, then I should be ashamed of myself. I should feel the discomfort of that feeling and use it as motivation to ensure that I do not make that mistake again. Being sweaty/smelly should not trigger these feelings because these bodily functions are imminent and a natural part of who we are. I think it’s a gross misuse of this powerful feeling.
I think the most common type of shame that I experience is self-inflicted based on my own fear of how others might perceive me. I create scenarios in my imagination and respond to them as if they’re a reality. I’ve been made fun of my entire life because of how much my armpits sweat and the massive pit stains I’d have on my shirts at all times. I’ve been made to believe that I should be ashamed of this, so I constantly worry about how much I’m sweating and how others might respond to it. If nobody has taken notice and shaming me, then I make sure I’m doing it to myself in my imagination. It’s an unyielding cycle of shame. Since I began this challenge, I’m also relentlessly battling self-inflicted embarrassment because of my BO. This challenge is teaching me just how exhausting to exist in a state of constant worrying. I really don’t like that these negative consequences are attached to natural bodily functions. I need to find acceptance for these sweaty and smelly versions of myself. That’s what this challenge is really all about. I want to shed every last bit of embarrassment/shame that isn’t absolutely necessary for me to experience so that I can accept as much of myself as possible. Believe it or not, conquering my smelliness/sweatiness would be a gigantic accomplishment in my own self-acceptance.
I need to deprogram the notion that
- it’s not okay to be sweaty and/or smell bad in any given moment.
If I want to minimize these feelings, then I have to change my reasoning and intention for wearing deodorant/antiperspirant. I don’t think I’ll use antiperspirant again, so I’m not going to include it as an option moving forward. Once this challenge is completed, these will be my reasons for wearing deodorant (or any other fragrance for that matter).
- Because I want to smell nice.
- Because I subscribe to the societal courtesy of not smelling unpleasantly.
Neither of those reasonings will ever be followed by
- because I’m afraid that if I smell unpleasantly, then I might be judged and shamed by either myself or others.
I am completely removing fear from my reasoning for wearing deodorant. I need to find acceptance for smelly and sweaty ME. It’s been weighing heavily on me for a very long time and prevented me from being comfortable in my own skin. To be ashamed of ourselves is something we should only experience when we betray our core values, not because of natural bodily functions.
I put together this gross collage as a statement that I can no longer fear judgement or fall victim to shaming based on how I sweat/smell in any given moment.
The upcoming forecast is bleak for me…
Three blistering hot days walking around the city is certainly going to afford me a great opportunity to accept my BO and sweat. STAY TUNED for Part 3!
